Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Next to Heaven

I know what it means to be from there.  I'm from there.  It's the place where you want to raise your kids.  The place where I raised mine for ten years.  It's the place to where you can move from another town and not feel like the "new" family, where the person running the after school program hands you a tissue when you're worried about money and assures you that your precious 5-year old will have a safe haven at 3 p.m. every day, where the neighbors don't get mad when your kid crashes into their fence on her new bike.  It's the place with the playground on top of the hill, where your daughters can play with their friends and you can see all of Boston from your bench.  It's the place where the whole town turns out and stands in line outside in the February cold at night, waiting to console the family of the second grader who died, or where the Catholic church is packed to the gills with people of all faiths when the school secretary succumbs to cancer.  It's the place where the streets make no sense, where a "Cape" is a house and not a super-hero vestment.  It's the kind of place that makes your 10-year old yell at you to stop the car so she can help the person struggling to shovel heavy snow from a front walk, because you both know that someone would do that for you.    It's the place where the residents refer to parts of town as "down the Centah" or "up the Heights."   It's the place where Hank the gas station guy knows you so well he tells you about his daughter, Carol, where the best teachers in the state want to work, and where you meet friends you'll cherish your whole life.  It's the place where everybody celebrates with you when your kid hits the buzzer-beater at Fidelity House, and commiserates with you when she misses.  Because there'll always be a next time.

Krystle Campbell, 29, was most recently from Arlington when she was killed at the finish line at the Boston Marathon yesterday.  She lived there and worked there.  By all accounts, she was a real asset to my beloved town.  I guess, for Krystle, Arlington was next to heaven.  Rest in Peace.



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Blog For Choice-I Totally Would Have

In 1977, when I was 25, I was spending a lot of time with the guy I was dating, and another couple who happened to be J's best friend and his girlfriend.  We had wonderful, carefree fun:  weekend scavenger hunts in J's convertible through the back roads and countryside of southern Connecticut, evenings out with dinner and movies and board games-it was really a magical time in my youth.  I had a job that required nothing mentally or emotionally, selling flowers in a lovely shop with terrific co-workers and a great boss.  My friends were similarly situated, and we remarked more than once on how we had "the life."  Not a care in the world...until...
S became pregnant.   She was 24, as was her boyfriend.  They made minimum wage.  They were not committed to each other long-term, and this news shattered the bubble of their lives.  She was baffled and horrified, repeating to me several times that they were using birth control and could not understand any of this.   They had no money, no means of supporting a baby.  Their parents were not in a position to help.  They grappled long and hard with the choice, and made their decision.  In a late-night phone call, conducted in hushed tones, we made a plan.  She would go across the border in to New York State, and have an abortion.   Her boyfriend would take her on a Monday, and since Tuesday was my day off, I would stay with her all day to make sure she was ok.  And so we did.  And so she was.  And after a while, the sea of youth that had parted momentarily to allow for her very adult grief, began to rush back together and we carried on with our lives...until...about 7 months later, when I realized I had not gotten my period on time.   I was on the pill.  I was never "late."   I waited, a day...two days...three days.  I didn't know about home pregnancy tests, so I called my doctor.  But before I did, I called S.  We made the identical plan for me that we had made and carried out for her.
As luck would have it, there was another reason that I missed my period-a reason that was resolved with medication.  But I am here today to testify that if I had been pregnant in August of 1977, with my minimum wage flower shop job and a boyfriend who would have made a terrible father (and who "grew up" to be a terrible father with another partner) I totally would have had the abortion, difficult as it would have been, and I would not have looked back.
As I adopted my first child when I was 36, I looked deep into her eyes and knew, all over again, that the decision I had made 11 years before would have been as right for me and a baby then, as the one I was making in 1988 was for me and my daughter. 
We are long past fighting to be "pro-choice" in my opinion.  We need to keep abortion safe and legal.

Monday, September 24, 2012

When The Political Becomes Personal

In the week since the release of the recordings of Mr. Romney's meeting with the really rich people ($50,000.00 a plate rich) in which he made abundantly clear his feelings about people who don't pay income tax and/or who are on government assistance, I have read some really beautifully written columns and essays about and by  that kind of person.  I have fumed and stewed over his elitist, dismissive attitude about his fellow Americans who are less fortunate than he.  I have heard the lies about President Obama's supposed reversal of the Welfare-to-Work program.  And I have been infuriated.

In 1995, when I was preparing to adopt a second child, the husband of a good friend said, "Oh, great.  You'll get another kid who's going to be stuck in day care all day."  I was speechless.   My goal was to build a family-to have a second child in my life, to give my daughter a sibling, and in the bargain to take a child out of public foster care (off the government support rolls, by the way).  Apparently, my lack of financial resources which would result in my child needing care during the day made me less deserving of the joy of parenthood than those families, including my friend and her family, who had the financial luxury to stay at home with her kids.  Which, by the way, is a choice, not a requirement, just in case you were wondering.

Said child is now grown.   I am happy to report that despite our rather dire financial position when she and her sister were young and I was a single mother with a high school diploma and a good, steady job that didn't pay all that well, we all survived.  I was fortunate to have resources-I had friends and advocates in my town who led me to reduced-rate day camp in the summers, and significant financial aid at our fabulous after school care program during the school year.  My own family had no idea how broke we were;  I know they knew I struggled, but they were unaware of my trips into the less savory parts of our city to the less expensive grocery stores where I would buy things off the "FOR IMMEDIATE SALE" rack because they were canned goods that were expiring or fresh fruit and vegetables that were, well, slightly less than fresh.  I didn't tell them about the time that my older daughter and I loaded the car with cases of canned goods that had been in a warehouse flood and no longer had any labels on them.  They were 5 cents a can, and every night we opened up "dinner surprise" and ate whatever it was, sitting on a blanket on the floor instead of at the kitchen table, to make it seem like a picnic.  I paid my freakin' income tax with pride.  I believe in income tax as a good, progressive revenue source for our country.  But here's the thing.  If I had lost my job, if we had had to get government assistance to live, I would have done that with pride, too, knowing that my country, the one that is the model of freedom and all that is good around the globe, would toss me the proverbial life jacket if I needed it.

And now my daughter needs it, Mitt.  She is twenty.  She is a mother.  She is a full-time college student, struggling every single day to complete her studies, despite all odds.  She has difficulty learning.  She has difficulty with life, period-she bears the scars of an untold past before she was mine.  Her baby's father works hard, every day, slinging boxes of canned goods in a food distribution center.  When he's not at work, he's with her and their baby, doing what fathers do...changing, feeding, rocking, playing.  Their rent is $300.00 a month-hardly luxurious.  They are on government assistance.  Younger Daughter and the baby get WIC for formula and baby food, and my daughter is on (gasp!) food stamps.  She pays no income tax-she has no income.  And they need the help.  

And see, Mr. Romney, here's where you're wrong.  Sure, they are voting for President Obama.  But it wasn't a given.  They are Democrats.  They are my family.  These two things might seem like enough to make them a slam-dunk, but they're not.  If you had acted, even for a minute, as though people like my daughter and her boyfriend mattered...like you cared...people in their position might have given you a second look.  Younger Daughter said to me in the car this morning, "Mom, I don't know what Romney's going to do with the middle class, but I can tell you how it seems to poor people:  he doesn't care.  We're on our own." 

And that's the bottom line.  So go on with your campaign.   Give your tax cuts to the wealthy because you say that somehow, miraculously, their extra money will benefit us all.  We don't need you, and you clearly don't need our votes.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Thank You

Was there ever a time I resented you?  Indeed, there were many.  Were there nights of worry about how I could find you, and complete the circle of life for my precious daughter?  Too many to count.  Did I curse you, and shake my fist at the air for what I perceived to be the legacy of loss with which I believed you saddled my daughter?  I did.  I blamed you for all that went wrong sometimes.  At others, I wept for what you were missing.

I wonder, were there nights upon nights upon nights that you sat up, rocking back and forth in the pain of knowing she was out there, somewhere?  On that special day in May, and on Christmas and a rainy Wednesday, was it hard?  I know it was.

My daughter, our daughter struggled with the mystery, the questions, the feelings of inadequacy and self doubt surrounding her early minutes.  Did you miss her?  Did you even think?

And yet here you are.  After almost 20 years, we have somehow brought you together.  And look at us.  Look at how it is, and how we are, and how it will be.

I am grateful.  I love you.  Thank you for one of the two most precious gifts of my life.




Monday, July 23, 2012

Early Morning Sunlight



First thing on Saturday morning, before the dogs stir, before the house is awake and the southern summer heat has descended, I look over at the creature sleeping near me in a tiny bed.  Left thumb in his mouth, his right hand flung carelessly, palm up, next to his head, a halo of soft, brown curls that smell so delicious and feel so fine.  Quietly, I lean over and whisper his name, but his sleep is so deep that the eyelids don't even flutter.  I make my way to the bathroom and back, to make another assessment.  Do I have time to make the coffee?  To check my Facebook page?  I always do.  He's a morning sleeper.  The Attorney and I have our morning warm cups and a quick bite, and I trundle back up the stairs.  This time, the whisper causes the eyes to open slowly, sweetly.  Before he notices that I'm up here and he's down in there, before he knows he's wet and hungry, the sweetest smile transforms his face and my life.

Down the stairs we go where his other grandmother awaits with the dry diaper and the bottle and our day is on high alert once again.

The sun streams through the stained glass window and on to the rug where he'll play on his belly.  Makes for a fun photo-op.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Scent

Dearest Julian,
When I pick you up and kiss you all over your face and neck and you smile and drool and coo, there is that one spot-that one little place on your neck that carries your inimitable fragrance, and I find it, bury my nose in it, and melt.  Every single time.  I love you,
Grammy

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Laughing

Dear Julian,
You laugh!  You don't just laugh because you're happy, which is so endearing, but you also laugh at something.  When you were bored in Whole Paycheck Foods the other day, I put my face out of sight, popped it back in your line of vision, and said, "Hey!"  You burst out laughing!  No matter how many times I did it, this beginner's version of peek-a-boo made you laugh.  Last night, you were unsettled.  I brought you into the kitchen where your other grandmother was fixing dinner, laid you on the counter, looked down at you, and played patty-cake with your little hands.  It made you laugh really hard.  The two of us, your loving grandmas, were so delighted by the sound of your laughter.  You are such fun.  We are going to record it on my phone next time, but til then, here's a smiling photo.
My Smiley Boy