Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Thank You

Was there ever a time I resented you?  Indeed, there were many.  Were there nights of worry about how I could find you, and complete the circle of life for my precious daughter?  Too many to count.  Did I curse you, and shake my fist at the air for what I perceived to be the legacy of loss with which I believed you saddled my daughter?  I did.  I blamed you for all that went wrong sometimes.  At others, I wept for what you were missing.

I wonder, were there nights upon nights upon nights that you sat up, rocking back and forth in the pain of knowing she was out there, somewhere?  On that special day in May, and on Christmas and a rainy Wednesday, was it hard?  I know it was.

My daughter, our daughter struggled with the mystery, the questions, the feelings of inadequacy and self doubt surrounding her early minutes.  Did you miss her?  Did you even think?

And yet here you are.  After almost 20 years, we have somehow brought you together.  And look at us.  Look at how it is, and how we are, and how it will be.

I am grateful.  I love you.  Thank you for one of the two most precious gifts of my life.




Monday, July 23, 2012

Early Morning Sunlight



First thing on Saturday morning, before the dogs stir, before the house is awake and the southern summer heat has descended, I look over at the creature sleeping near me in a tiny bed.  Left thumb in his mouth, his right hand flung carelessly, palm up, next to his head, a halo of soft, brown curls that smell so delicious and feel so fine.  Quietly, I lean over and whisper his name, but his sleep is so deep that the eyelids don't even flutter.  I make my way to the bathroom and back, to make another assessment.  Do I have time to make the coffee?  To check my Facebook page?  I always do.  He's a morning sleeper.  The Attorney and I have our morning warm cups and a quick bite, and I trundle back up the stairs.  This time, the whisper causes the eyes to open slowly, sweetly.  Before he notices that I'm up here and he's down in there, before he knows he's wet and hungry, the sweetest smile transforms his face and my life.

Down the stairs we go where his other grandmother awaits with the dry diaper and the bottle and our day is on high alert once again.

The sun streams through the stained glass window and on to the rug where he'll play on his belly.  Makes for a fun photo-op.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Scent

Dearest Julian,
When I pick you up and kiss you all over your face and neck and you smile and drool and coo, there is that one spot-that one little place on your neck that carries your inimitable fragrance, and I find it, bury my nose in it, and melt.  Every single time.  I love you,
Grammy

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Laughing

Dear Julian,
You laugh!  You don't just laugh because you're happy, which is so endearing, but you also laugh at something.  When you were bored in Whole Paycheck Foods the other day, I put my face out of sight, popped it back in your line of vision, and said, "Hey!"  You burst out laughing!  No matter how many times I did it, this beginner's version of peek-a-boo made you laugh.  Last night, you were unsettled.  I brought you into the kitchen where your other grandmother was fixing dinner, laid you on the counter, looked down at you, and played patty-cake with your little hands.  It made you laugh really hard.  The two of us, your loving grandmas, were so delighted by the sound of your laughter.  You are such fun.  We are going to record it on my phone next time, but til then, here's a smiling photo.
My Smiley Boy

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Three Months

Dear Julian,
Sweet Baby

Thoughtful Little Man
You're three months old now.  What a different little creature you are in just thirteen weeks and three days.  You sleep much differently, and more predictably.  That blessed sleep has made our weekend over night dates much easier.  You smile all the time.  You are calm, and happy, and sweet.   Your most endearing quality is your desire to snuggle.  I never saw a more cuddly, affectionate baby.  You're not easily frightened, you don't cry mysteriously, and you are very easily comforted.  And to top it off, you are among the most adorable baby boys on the planet, ever, since the dawn of time.  I love being your Grammy.