Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Aftermath

I'm on the verge of tears much of the day lately.  Connecting with my Younger Daughter's birth mother has stirred up all kinds of feelings.  Hearing my grandbaby's heartbeat, and subsequently seeing her/him waving and kicking on the ultrasound have made me so vulnerable.

The main thing that has been running around in my head is the connection between mothers and their birth children.  My Older Daughter has always been so grateful to the cosmos for bringing us together.  She and I are kindred spirits in so many ways, it has just seemed to both of us that it was some fluke of nature that another woman conceived and gave birth to her.  But obviously, it was not.  Finding YD's birth mother has pushed my thoughts to OD's first mother, too.  I think of what a profound gift I was given.  I wonder if her heart hurts.  Always, on Mother's Day and on OD's birthday, I cry for her.  They are tears of gratitude and deep sorrow, because I know that the fact that my daughter is amazing, loving, brilliant, sweet, hard-working, and beautiful has little to do with me.  Most of her traits are genetic.  I take great pride in her achievements, because I know I have had a part in her confidence, optimism, and desire to succeed, but without the raw material to work with, I could not have done whatever I did.

OD is studying Social Work now.  We talked today after one of her classes about the loss felt by the birth mother in adoption.  She said she never really thought about it that way;  that she thought always of the choice, not the loss.  I explained that having now been to the doctor appointments with her sister, I can fully realize what D. might have felt, facing the choice she did.   While it's true that hers was a voluntary placement for adoption, it doesn't make the act any less consequential.  Monumental. 

Nothing could diminish my feelings for my children.  The fact that I did not give birth to them does not in any way negate our connection, or my importance to them.   I have always held that there is no difference in the love, but now I know how wrong I was.  I see Younger Daughter's birth mother and listen to her talk about her loss.  I watch my Younger Daughter's reaction when she sees her baby on the screen.  Hell, I see my OWN reaction.  I hear the pain in my Older Daughter's voice when she realizes that her birth mother may have really suffered.  I have never down-played the role of the birth mother in the adoption triad, but until recently I couldn't feel the difference in the loveI don't think their birth mothers love them more than I do, or better than I do, or even more deeply than I do.  But it's different.  And I'm humbled.  So I cry.

8 comments:

jo(e) said...

(o)

Miranda said...

(o)

kathy a. said...

((( YT )))) you are such a profoundly loving and caring person. your heart is big enough to carry us all, through anything.

it is big enough to really care about the birth mothers of your beloved daughters -- what they went through, the choices they made -- and now, to embrace YD's birth mother as family. all those connections matter, even when have been distant.

with my own kids, i find it hard to sort genetics from influences in the home from outside things. i do know they are each their own person, that they are unique unto themselves.

sometimes i see flashes of their father, an aunt, grandpa in them. but i also see uncle bob (who was not a blood relative), nomura sensei, teachers, friends, people i never met who cared or who mattered.

please don't feel so humbled by these extraordinary, amazing events of late that you forget how important your love and constancy have been for your girls. it is grand all around that your family continues to thrive and expand. xoxox

liz said...

((YT))

Val said...

Oh, Yankee.

Susie Q said...

What kathy a. said. I've been trying to figure out the perfect way to say what she said ever since I first read this post a couple of days ago. She nailed it.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

(((hugs)))

Jenevieve said...

please don't feel so humbled by these extraordinary, amazing events of late that you forget how important your love and constancy have been for your girls. it is grand all around that your family continues to thrive and expand.

Exactly! Genetics has an obviously important role, but the amazing, enriching, loving, care-full home you and Attorney have given them is irreplaceable!